Tuesday, 11 Dec 2018

Ask Amy: A helpful man asks a puzzle of MeToo

Dear Amy: I like to think that I am a caring and sensitive man, who respects women and appreciates the spirit of the MeToo movement.

As a result, a recent experience has disrupted me. I am looking for objective comments.

A recent night, I was with a woman I know well. We had a drink before, during and after dinner.

It became clear to me that she was intoxicated and that she should probably go to bed to sleep. I helped her up the stairs to the bathroom. After a few minutes, when I heard the bathroom door open, I went back up to see her. It is at this point that things have become "difficult".

She was naked and she made strong sexual advances towards me.

I knew that the "right" thing to do was to help him get dressed and go to bed to sleep and then take care of my own things. But I was weak, partly because of my strong attraction for her. We had sex and during the acts, I thought that it was possible that the next day she would not remember (or at least that she may not remember how things have started) Yet I have continued, and for that I have remorse.

Did I commit a "rape" Am I a "predator"?

If the situation arose in an audience room or if I was a public figure, would people judge me as a "bad" man?

And finally, Amy, is it important that this woman be my wife for 25 years?

Husband wondering

Husband wondering: I hope this did not really happen; I suppose rather that your question could be a small, rude and crude riddle, designed to confuse an unsuspecting reader.

However, let's continue.

You ask for an objective opinion. Here is mine:

Let us establish from the start that no, you are not a caring and sensitive man. No, you do not respect the MeToo movement. It's pretty obvious.

If you take the scenario that you describe, yes, you sexually assaulted your wife. She was drunk; you were sober. She was not able to consent to sex – that's not what you asked her

No, you have not committed "date rape". However, you have committed "marital rape". You sued a disabled woman for the purpose of having sex with her. Yes, that makes you a predator.

What is important and unfortunately – your wife is married to a man who thinks it is a smart and legitimate question that deserves a debate. I am really sorry for her. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Return your good husband card. You are a cad.

Dear Amy: You asked a question to "Pay it Forward," insulted when a stranger waiting in line at the store offered to take his tab. "Pay" refused the gesture.

Here is my answer: My 40 year old wife died last week. She died suddenly during a routine medical procedure.

I could not cope with another night eating alone, so I booked a table at a favorite restaurant – an expensive gourmet place that my wife and I frequented.

After the appropriate hugs and condolences from the staff, I was sitting next to an older social couple who had ordered what I was going to choose. I asked about their order and the conversation focused on common points.

Finally, I explained my lack of table companion. We chatted kindly, we are friends on Facebook and they are gone.

I signed for my bill and found that it had been taken care of by my new friends.

Their kindness and generosity have made me tear. (Of course, I contacted them to thank them.)

What I mean is that the ability to accept an act of kindness is a lost art and that it is the most desperately needed form of etiquette in this country.

We can not show kindness without learning to accept it.


Thomas: My sincere condolences. You have attached the perfect lesson to accept this generosity and I think your story will inspire many people to do the same. Connecting with others helps us all stay afloat.

Dear Amy: Ah, your advice to "Middle Schooler" on the treatment of nervousness tests me made me smile. . . especially this part: "… imagine a tall and friendly Golden Retriever sitting quietly beside you while you pass your test."

What a beautiful image! I am not in college, but I will use it.

A fan

Fan: Well, it works for me!

© 2018 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency


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