Friday, 14 Dec 2018

Ask Amy: Aunt wonders how to advise her niece on marriage

Dear Amy: I am close to my niece, who is recently engaged. Her fiance was on the front, saying that he did not really believe in marriage. She also said that when he asked her to buy a house, his name would not be mortgaged if he was not married. Not that she would break up with him – she would stay, but she would want a lease instead of putting her name on the mortgage.

Recently, he seriously considered buying a house and my niece took up arms, either getting married or signing a lease. He proposed.

Now he says his grandparents must be at the wedding. But they are almost 5,000 miles away and too old to fly, so he insists that they get married where their grandparents live.

Amy, my niece's father has advanced Parkinson's disease and can not travel that far. In addition, 98% of immediate family members are excluded from marriage in this remote community because they can not afford to go there.

I think it's passive-aggressive because of my niece's refusal to put her name on a mortgage without being married. This case of excluding his father and excluding the whole family from marriage is irrelevant.

I think he's deliberately creating obstacles because he does not really want to get married.

My niece asked me for advice. She really likes him and wants to marry her, but she sees this as a stalemate on the place. I see a reluctant groom.

What should I tell him?

Aunt worried

Aunt worries: My point about this couple is that they use negotiation rather than consensus to advance their relationship. I do not think it's extremely rare. However, if it is so that they work and communicate, your niece must be prepared for future dead ends, especially when big events in life are already stressful. Have they talked about having children, how to share their expenses or upcoming custody issues with their parents?

The choice of his fiance does not seem to honor his family relationships. In fact, unless he can suggest or accept a compromise, his choice seems hostile.

Fortunately for you, it does not concern you directly. When your niece asks you for advice, you can be both honest and wise and say, "You seem to think of it as a dead end at your wedding venue, but I see it as bigger than that. Have you ever had your counseling before the wedding? "

Dear Amy: I recently received a sheriff's postcard stating that a neighbor is a "registered sex offender".

The notification indicated that his crime had been committed 30 years ago and that it had not been properly registered during his move here. It does not specify where the original offense occurred.

I've been a neighbor to him for a number of years now, and he always seemed like a nice guy, even though I do not know him well. I do not feel threatened by him.

We greeted and exchanged a "Hello" yesterday for the first time since I received the notice. I guess he knows that all his neighbors have received it.

I hate to display my ignorance, but what has changed with the receipt of this postcard?

Wonderful neighbor

Wonderful neighbor: What has changed is that you know that your neighbor committed a crime against another person 30 years ago.

You can learn as much as the law allows by looking at your neighbor's sex offender database. My own research reveals that there are different designations and "risk level determinations" assigned to sex offenders.

In my state, a person with the lowest risk level will have their name deleted from the database after 20 years. Your neighbor may have committed a more serious offense that must still be on the list. The database could reveal specific details of his crime.

The postcard notification is specifically designed to inform people, so that you can then determine the relationship with that person in your community. So after doing some research, the rest is up to you.

Dear Amy: As a survivor of two suicides in my family, I want to thank you for your nuanced response to "Anxious", the mother who wanted to talk to her young daughter about the grandfather's suicide. I agree that the girl must (possibly) be informed, but this couple must absolutely face together.


recognizing: Thank you.

© 2018 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency


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