The child will become such a person who never praises his parents

Gábor, who is in his mid-forties, says now he learns how to praise, recognize others. Because he hasn’t done it before. As a child, if he was positive at something, he almost never got a positive word. His parents’ silence was actually a compliment, at least it didn’t receive criticism. This unrecognized childhood also contributed to Gábor being extremely selfish, more receptive to appearances than deep attachments. become an adult escape from superficial relationships. And this is only the tip of the iceberg of everything that can be caused by education that is full of praise. About everything and Dóra K. Farkas, there Almafa Psychological Center we talked to his psychologist.

Can it be determined at what age praise and recognition play a role in our lives?

Already as infants, we learn from the interactions we receive in our families, how people are, how the world is, and how I am. Since a young child lives almost exclusively in his family for the first few years, he thinks that the world is how he experiences it on a daily basis. Based on this, the so-called schemes are formed in your nervous system. These should be imagined as a kind of model in which we will try to fit the world later on. A small child he does not think that they do not treat him well. He believes that the world and people are as he sees them, and that his parents are perfect. This is the case until the beginning of adolescence, says psychologist Dóra K. Farkas.

As a small child, if you have a poor feeling about something, you will believe that it is it must be the reason. If you are raised by parents who love and care for you, you will action that you can trust people, you can ask for help with courage, because someone will come who will at least try to help you. If you cry and they answer, he learns that he is an important person, who can influence those around him, who can do things to make himself feel better.

From the reaction of his parents to the world, he learns if the world is a dangerous place or an interesting place, if it is possible to act bravely in it, or if it is necessary to be constantly afraid of danger and people.

So, in the first years, very important defined foundations are formed in the development of personality. For a small child, and also for an adult you have five cognitive needs: the need for trust and security, autonomy and performance, boundaries, the expression of one’s own feelings, and the need for play and spontaneity. In my opinion, it would be very useful if on these every young couple should prepare before having children, because with that we could do a lot for the health of our society and our relationships.

What role does praise play in shaping a person’s personality and relationship with the world?

Praise is part of the need for autonomy and performance. Every child needs to be recognized he is a smart, efficient person who can function on his own, obviously at his age level. At a young age, this consists of very small elements, such as throwing an object. If revenge and scolding is the adult’s reaction to this, then I learn that I don’t have to try, my impulses are poor, I have to always limit myself, which a significant source of anxiety. Obviously, as adults, we are not delighted when our child throws the bread in the high chair with a delighted smile on his face. Not that everything should be left behind, as there is also the need for borders, which we are also very poor these days. The point is this how I react as a parent. I block the activity completely or I say “you were very smart to notice that you can throw it, but the place for the bread is on the table, try this soft ball instead”.

You do not need to praise the child for everything, because it will have no effect after a while.

The phrase “you are positive” in general, it does not refer to the activity. It can easily develop in the child that whatever he does is wonderful. Let’s be honest, that doesn’t correspond to reality either. Let’s call it that why do we praise him! For example, “It’s very smart that you brought your clothes here!”, “You ate well!”, “You were nice and grandma!”. A very important difference! Obviously, we must learn this as parents too, and it requires a high degree of awarenessbut we know that this will pay off in the long run in the parent-child relationship and in later life growing up as well.

What is the mental action of a child whose parents completely refuse to praise and are even too critical of him?

Those who do not praise, only constantly criticize, learn how it is not positive, it is not acceptable cannot meet the world’s expectations, relationships are dangerous because we deal with them through them. If I let someone close to me, for example as an older child, as an adult, then he sees my imperfection, so I prefer to stay away from other people emotionally. It is important to remember that too much, undeserved, automatic praise can be just as harmful as not giving it. People raised in this way learn that they are wonderful, that all actions are right, and therefore they can look down on others and use them as objects.

What kind of damage can a parenting model that skimps on praise cause to self-esteem and self-esteem?

Serious damage. We should think of the schemas formed in childhood as a contact lens on our eyes. We don’t know it’s there. We think this is the reality we don’t question it. That’s me. This pattern is formed early, so we consider it the basis of our personality, because the people closest to us reflect it. Parents have a great responsibility, but I myself as a professional believe that as adults it is up to us to decide what to do with the package we receive. It’s never too late to do something for yourself.

Let’s not forget, nonetheless, that we think very differently about raising children now than we did fifty years ago.

Today’s adults were raised in the post-war generation, which valued practicality, physical well-being, they learned the need for financial security. In those years, they did not meet their spiritual needs, but they had something to eat. Today the world has changed a lot, at best, we can climb Maslow’s pyramid, but this requires us to pass on the decision we receive the samples.

How, what does it form the adult personality if a person is not recognized in childhood?

What kind of coping methods and behavior we “choose” when we grow up in this way depends to a large extent on the character we were born with. It could be someone will take away from others, perhaps will only form superficial relationships, and it can he himself will whip others.

Is there a difference in the characteristics that adults develop, if a woman or a man is the child of parents who buy with words of praise?

In principle no gender difference regarding the effects they caused. nonetheless, throughout our lives we encounter different roles as women and men, which can be different modify the final result, the behavior.

In adulthood, how and what forms of harmful consequences of education without praise can appear?

If one does not praise, it is easy feelings of failure and dependency may develop. The small child, the adult later, learns that he alone cannot act correctly, “positive enough”, and therefore becomes shunned or even dependent on another person. These antecedents may have many other forms of manifestation, but they all have one thing in common feelings of inadequacy affect the person’s functioning, often not even consciously. It may even happen that it is become too independent, he decides everything, he does not allow any interference or opinion in his life. The balance between work and private life can also be disrupted. It could easily be he is alone in his private life, he stays away from emotionally deep, intimate relationships, but for example he can overcompensate in his work, he can be very successful and controlling.

What kind of parents does such a child become more often? Does he learn from the example of his parents, or does he himself pass on what he experienced at home?

Here too, several outcomes are possible. In our behavior, we either copy the example of our parents, or we want to do the complete opposite – yes, but how is it? As a third option, and this would be the best solution, we create our own scenario, that lies between the two extremes, which is the result of a conscious decision in which we accept the positive we have received and do not continue poor patterns. In my action, this is the end result of serious self-awareness work. That is why I would consider it important to educate future parents to at least hear about alternatives and needs.

What effect does the lack of praise and recognition have on the parent-child relationship?

There is no clear answer to this question either. It can develop in a parent compliance at all costs, love you can push your own feelings into the background. “I do everything as they say, just in case they praise me, just in case I’m positive enough.” These children later too they find it difficult to be separated from their families, because they also serve the needs of their parents as adults. But it can also happen that much he learns that he is poor, incompetent, that he will identify with this role and behave this with his parents and even with others, even with himself.