The psychological burden of infertility and pregnancy loss often extends far beyond the clinical diagnosis, manifesting in a complex layer of social isolation and emotional distress. For many, the challenge is not only the physical struggle to conceive but the navigation of a social environment where well-meaning but insensitive comments can exacerbate the trauma of loss.
Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old from Belfast, experienced this intersection of grief and professional insensitivity firsthand. The day after suffering her third miscarriage, Levens returned to her role as a receptionist. Despite her managers being aware of her situation, she was met with comments she found deeply hurtful; a female manager told her that “at least” she was early in her pregnancy, even as a male manager remarked that she did not look presentable enough to function at the front desk.
The shock of these interactions led Levens to hand in her notice during her next shift. Her experience reflects a broader pattern of “misguided but well-meaning” comments from friends and family—such as being told to “just hold on to hope” or that “it’ll be your turn soon”—which can feel dismissive of the immediate pain of infertility.
The psychological weight of infertility
The struggle to conceive is more common than many realize. According to the NHS, approximately one in seven couples face difficulty conceiving. In the UK, more than 50,000 patients underwent IVF cycles in 2023 alone.
Despite these numbers, the subject remains heavily stigmatized. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is currently on an NHS waiting list for IVF, describes the experience as a “taboo subject” often accompanied by a sense of embarrassment. For some, the inability to conceive feels like a personal failure of the body, leading to internal shame and a hesitation to seek support.
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a medical process where eggs are fertilized by sperm in a laboratory setting. Once an embryo is created, it is transferred back into the woman’s uterus to attempt a pregnancy.
Cultural stigma and the pressure to conform
For women in certain communities, the pressure is compounded by cultural expectations. Asiya Dawood, 42, from West London, notes that in some South Asian communities, women who do not conceive quickly after marriage face relentless scrutiny. Dawood describes being questioned about whether she was “womanly enough” and facing blame for focusing on her career or marrying later in life.
This cultural pressure can lead to severe social withdrawal. Dawood recalls a period where she stopped going out and abandoned her social life to escape the comments. Because asking for aid can be perceived as a “sign of weakness,” the silence surrounding these struggles often persists unless actively challenged. To combat this, Dawood launched the first South Asian Baby Loss Awareness Week to break the stigma through discussions with GPs, charities and other women.
Navigating the ’emotional roller coaster’
Clinical experts emphasize that infertility is not just a medical hurdle but a mental health challenge. Professor Joyce Harper of University College London (UCL) describes fertility treatment as a “roller coaster,” marked by extreme emotional highs and lows, particularly during embryo transfers or the onset of a period.
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, suggests that the support system for someone undergoing treatment may demand to be different from their usual circle of friends, and family. She strongly encourages patients to utilize the counselors available at UK fertility clinics, including those within the NHS, to manage the emotional volatility of the process.
Strategies for meaningful support
While some experiences are defined by hurtful remarks, others demonstrate the power of intentional support. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, credits her recovery from miscarriages to “incredible” support from loved ones who provided tangible help—such as bringing food and flowers—and acknowledged her grief on Mother’s Day.
Those supporting someone through infertility can improve their approach by:
- Asking directly: Support needs vary by individual; asking what is helpful is more effective than assuming.
- Tiny gestures: Simple check-in texts can prevent a person from feeling forgotten.
- Managing announcements: Pregnancy announcements from friends or family can be highly triggering. Morris suggests sharing such news via text, allowing the recipient to process the information and respond when they are emotionally ready.
- One-to-one communication: Being told of a pregnancy privately, rather than in a group setting, is often preferred to avoid the pressure of performing happiness in public.
For many, opening up about their journey provides a sense of relief. By communicating their needs and boundaries, individuals experiencing infertility can reduce the likelihood of unintentional triggers and build a more sustainable support network.
Common Questions on Supporting Others Through Infertility
What should I avoid saying to someone struggling to conceive?
Avoid phrases like “just relax,” “it’ll happen when you stop trying,” or “at least you can still…” These comments often minimize the medical and emotional reality of infertility.
How can I tell a friend I’m pregnant if they are struggling with infertility?
Consider sending the news via text or a private message. This gives your friend the space to feel their emotions—whether sadness, joy, or a mix of both—without the immediate pressure to react positively in person.
How can workplaces better support employees navigating the emotional and physical demands of fertility treatments and pregnancy loss?
