The Paradox of Perfection: Why “Good Enough” is the New Ideal in Therapy and Life
Psychoanalyst Don Carveth’s observation – “The point of analysis is to get over yourself” – cuts to the core of a growing trend in therapeutic thought. Modern therapy isn’t simply about bolstering self-esteem; it’s about confronting and, crucially, curtailing pride. This shift acknowledges a fundamental truth: much of our suffering stems not from external circumstances, but from an inability to accept limitations.
The Allure and Trap of Limitless Expectations
We often lament disapproval, breakups, failures, and loss. But beneath these complaints lies a deeper issue: an expectation of fairness and a belief that we are entitled to have what we desire. Here’s particularly pronounced in perfectionists, who struggle with both internal and external limits. These limits, to them, feel like personal failings. They may fear being disliked or appearing incompetent, anxieties relatable to many, but for the perfectionist, these fears are paralyzing.
The core problem? An inability to answer the question: “What rejections can you accept?” For many perfectionists, the answer is none. They expect instantaneous mastery of new skills and ubiquitous approval from others. This pursuit of the unattainable leads to a diffusion of attention and a fear of rejection that sabotages both romantic relationships and genuine friendships. The relentless focus on what’s lacking can even hinder progress in areas where they already excel.
Healthy Perfectionism vs. The Pursuit of an Illusion
There’s a crucial distinction to be made. Healthy perfectionism, driven by a love of mastery, is a positive force. It’s the desire to refine a skill or craft for its own sake. However, when perfectionism becomes solely about gaining influence or external validation, it transforms into greed. The drive to be adored eclipses the joy of learning, and growing.
Settling – a concept often viewed negatively – is, in fact, essential for well-being. It means accepting that not everyone will like you, that you won’t excel at everything, and that realistic rewards are sufficient. This acceptance is significantly easier when love is involved. A loving partner can help you observe your worth beyond external achievements. Mastering a craft, not for fame but for the inherent satisfaction it provides, fosters a sense of fulfillment that external validation can never match.
The Roots of Unrealistic Expectations
The desire for limitless options and unequivocal admiration can stem from deeper, often unconscious, needs. One individual described wanting only to date those who were unavailable, devaluing affection when it was reciprocated. This pattern suggests a pursuit of status, or even a symbolic quest for immortality – a belief that nothing would ever be “good enough.” Settling, feels like a loss of hope and an admission of weakness.
Navigating the Future of Acceptance
As therapy evolves, expect a greater emphasis on cultivating acceptance and resilience. Techniques like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are gaining prominence, focusing on embracing internal experiences rather than struggling against them. Mindfulness practices, which encourage present-moment awareness without judgment, will likely become even more integrated into therapeutic approaches.
The Role of Social Media and Comparison
The rise of social media presents a unique challenge. Constant exposure to curated images of success and happiness can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and fuel the pursuit of unattainable ideals. Future therapeutic interventions may need to specifically address the impact of social media on self-perception and the development of realistic expectations.
Pro Tip:
Challenge your “shoulds.” When you find yourself thinking, “I should be better at this,” or “I should have that,” ask yourself why. Where does that expectation reach from? Is it realistic? Is it serving you?
FAQ
Q: Is perfectionism always bad?
A: No. Healthy perfectionism, driven by a love of mastery, can be a positive force. It’s the unhealthy pursuit of unattainable ideals that causes problems.
Q: What does “settling” really indicate?
A: Settling doesn’t mean lowering your standards. It means accepting that life is imperfect and that you won’t always get what you want. It’s about finding contentment in what you have.
Q: How can I overcome my fear of rejection?
A: Start by acknowledging that rejection is a normal part of life. Practice self-compassion and focus on building your self-worth from within, rather than seeking validation from others.
Did you recognize? Research suggests that self-compassion is a stronger predictor of well-being than self-esteem.
What are your thoughts on the pressure to be perfect? Share your experiences in the comments below. Explore our other articles on therapy and self-esteem for more insights. Subscribe to our newsletter for regular updates and expert advice.
