The Unexpected Dark Side of Mom Groups: Why Online Support Can Turn Toxic
The rise of online mom groups, particularly on platforms like WhatsApp, was initially hailed as a revolution in parental support. However, a growing number of stories, including one from actress Ashley Tisdale, reveal a darker side: these spaces can quickly become breeding grounds for comparison, judgment and even exclusion. Tisdale recently shared her experience leaving a “toxic” mom group, feeling as though she was reliving the social pressures of high school.
The Pressure to Perform: Why Moms Compare
This isn’t an isolated incident. The Wall Street Journal has reported on the increasing trend of jealousy and critical comparison among mothers in online spaces. Psychiatrist Caroline Depuydt explains that this behavior stems from societal pressures to excel in all areas of life, particularly motherhood. “Our western and industrialized society demands that we perform in everything,” she states. “Wanting to be a quality parent is less present in fathers than in mothers, as the maternal question is very present.”
The expectation to be a “good mother” is often heavily emphasized, particularly as mothers are the ones who carry the baby, give birth, and typically take the longest maternity leave. This creates an internalized pressure to achieve an often unattainable ideal.
The Illusion of Perfection and the Risk of Burnout
The problem is exacerbated by the curated nature of online profiles. Mothers often present an idealized version of their lives, leading others to feel inadequate. This constant comparison can lead to dissatisfaction, exhaustion, and even parental burnout. Depuydt emphasizes that making mistakes is inevitable, especially for first-time parents. “A priori, on n’a pas de répétition donc on ne peut pas tout savoir et éviter les fautes,” she notes – we don’t have a rehearsal, so People can’t know everything and avoid mistakes.
She advocates for embracing the concept of “good enough” parenting, popularized by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. “Être une bonne mère, c’est être une mère suffisamment bonne” – being a good mother is being a good enough mother. Acknowledging that it’s okay to make errors, feel overwhelmed, or need a break is crucial for both maternal well-being and the child’s development.
The Impact on Children: A Cycle of Pressure
The pressure doesn’t just affect mothers; it can too trickle down to children. When mothers are constantly striving for perfection, they may inadvertently communicate that their children must also perform to earn approval. This can create a cycle of anxiety and pressure that impacts the child’s self-esteem and emotional well-being.
Navigating Mom Groups: How to Foster Healthy Support
So, how can mothers navigate these online spaces in a healthy way? Depuydt suggests prioritizing genuine connection and vulnerability. Sharing difficult experiences, offering reassurance, and normalizing the need for self-care are essential. It’s also vital to remember that sharing isn’t mandatory. “On ne doit pas tout se dire, si l’on n’en a pas envie” – you don’t have to share everything if you don’t want to.
Crucially, mothers should be prepared to disconnect from groups that become toxic. “Vous pouvez essayer de désamorcer la chose, et si cela ne se passe pas bien, quittez-le tout simplement” – you can try to de-escalate the situation, and if it doesn’t function, simply leave. This is the approach Ashley Tisdale ultimately took, and it’s a powerful reminder that protecting one’s mental health is paramount.
FAQ: Dealing with Toxic Mom Groups
Q: What are the signs of a toxic mom group?
A: Constant comparison, judgment, exclusion, unsolicited advice, and feeling worse after interacting with the group are all red flags.
Q: Is it okay to leave a mom group if it’s making me feel bad?
A: Absolutely. Prioritizing your mental health is essential. You are not obligated to stay in a space that is harmful to your well-being.
Q: How can I identify supportive mom communities?
A: Look for groups that emphasize empathy, inclusivity, and non-judgmental support. Consider smaller, more intimate groups or one-on-one connections with trusted friends.
Q: What if I want to stay in a mom group but it’s becoming negative?
A: Try setting boundaries, limiting your participation, and focusing on positive interactions. If the negativity persists, it’s time to reconsider your involvement.
Did you know? Parental burnout is a real phenomenon, characterized by emotional exhaustion, cynicism, and a sense of ineffectiveness. Recognizing the signs and seeking support are crucial for preventing long-term consequences.
Pro Tip: Remember that social media often presents a highly curated version of reality. Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.
What are your experiences with online mom groups? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and explore our other articles on parenting and mental health for more insights.
