Dating sites to make children without being in a relationship

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New dating sites have emerged: those that allow children to be born without being in a relationship. – Wendy Amdahl / SUPERSTOCK / SIPA

  • In recent years, dating sites to make a baby have emerged.
  • They offer to single men and women or gays to conceive a child without being in couple.
  • An approach that is not without risk with regard to the establishment of filiation between the child and his parents.

To want to be a mother, or dad, but not to have a partner with whom to conceive a family. Because we are single after several disappointments in love or as a homosexual couple. For these people, fulfilling their wish to become a parent can go through a registration on a dating site to make a child, without necessarily trying to meet the love and get in a relationship. While in the Assembly, the vote in first reading of the bioethics law opened the
medically assisted procreation (ART) to all women in mid-October, 20 minutes is interested in co-parenting. One way to become a parent? "No," says Anne-Marie Leroyer, lawyer specializing in parentage issues. Co-parenting raises serious questions about the safety of filiation ". But how does it work, exactly, co-parenting?

Find the right person to start a family

Today in France, several sites allow future coparents to meet, like Co-Parents (who did not want to grant us an interview). But also
Childable. Or
Coparentalys, a site that was created in 2014, has more than 17,000 registered and could have given birth to a hundred children. "We propose a co-parenting chosen rather than suffered. Initially, our dating site was more geared towards gay and lesbian couples.
lesbians wanting to start a family with four parents, explains Frédéric Bianco, its founder. Today, we offer a multitude of solutions ": single women seeking a parent or co-worker ready to get involved, a man ready to offer his seed or looking for the love and future mother of his children, or gay couples and lesbians wishing to have a baby raised in shared custody.

On the enrolled side, "they are more single women between the ages of 30 and 40, who have preferred their careers and come at a time in their lives when the desire to start a family becomes a top priority, without necessarily going through a commitment to a couple. "Says Frédéric Bianco. Like Anissa, 30: "My job has long been my priority and I do not easily meet people. For me, it's the only solution even if it's an admission of failure, she says. I do not seek love, nor a father who wants shared custody. Just a balanced man with whom I feel confident to conceive a child and embody a father figure for him. " Like her, Mélanie, registered on Coparentalys, is "single and well like that. I want a child for several years and I want him to have a father, or two if I found a family with a gay couple, says the 32-year-old. I think of the interest of my future child and as such, co-parenting seems to me to be a good option: it is without the disadvantages of the couple and with a relationship of friendship between co-parents ".

Michel *, 50, did not know these sites until his best friend told him about them. "I was not ready, I wanted to do it like everyone else, with a woman I love. But after several disappointments in love, I thought it was easier to start a family without being a couple, so I signed up on Co-Parents, he says. I quickly met Céline *. The flow went well between us, we had the same parental project, the same human, family, religious and educational values. We took the time to get to know each other, but Céline hesitated. We lost sight of her for a few months, then she contacted me again, she was sure of herself and ready to go. "

Natural insemination

But in practice, how to conceive a child without being in a relationship, and without an LDC? To date, it is not yet open to single women or lesbian couples. The law provides for heterosexual couples affected by a fertility problem or by a pathology transmissible to the child, to go through a
CECOS (Center for Study and Conservation of Human Eggs and Sperm). "We offer a legal alternative to the PMA," says Frédéric Bianco. Natural sperm donation is allowed. No question, here, of artificial insemination in medical office, or insemination "home". To be in the nails, you need a natural insemination: a sexual relationship between the parent and the future mother. Anissa and Melanie, who have not yet found the perfect co-parent, note however that "there are many people who only want to sleep with women".

Still, the principle of the law governing the PMA is clear: "outside the legal path, any insemination with third party sperm donor is prohibited, says Anne-Marie Leroyer, lawyer specializing in parentage issues. But that's the principle. In practice, we are here in the shadows of the law: no one will go to check if the man and the woman who conceive a child have had sex. We are content to presume it ". For Michel and Céline, "things are clear, we are not a couple, we do not have feelings of love for each other, that's why we made the choice not to have sex to conceive our baby. In this case, "we speak of" amicably assisted procreation "", comments Valérie Depadt, private law lecturer and author of Law and bioethics (Ed. Larcier). But can we consider that co-parenting is a way of conceiving a child like the others? "On the legal side, the answer is no, slice Anne-Marie Leroyer. And sociologically, the answer is no: there have always been practices outside the law. But in cases where pacts are concluded in contravention of the law, this is a problem. "

The problem of securing parentage

What kind of problems, exactly? "Securing filiation," says the lawyer. In the case where a child is conceived between a gay couple and a lesbian couple, not only is the right of the parents not guaranteed, but the child's best interests and parentage are not sufficiently secure, regrets. she. How is filiation and parental authority established with respect to the child thus conceived? Only the mother who gives birth and the father who recognizes the child at birth will be considered as the legal parents and may, as such, exercise parental authority. Social parents, they will have no right or filiation legally established. "No arrangement or contract concluded before a notary can circumvent the public order of descent", adds Valérie Depadt. "Some attempt to undertake simple cross adoptions, but it transfers parental authority to adopters. It is impossible, legally, to have three or four parents exercising parental authority. And if one of the legal parents dies, his spouse, who is the social parent of the child, will have no right to him, "warns Anne-Marie Leroyer.

In the eyes of the law, "coparents conceive a child naturally outside the legal framework of the PMA, as would an unmarried couple. As such, they are subject to the common law of filiation, "recalls Valérie Depadt. For Michel and Céline, two months of testing were enough for her to become pregnant and today, Celine is seven months pregnant. "I have inquired of a lawyer specializing in family law, I know our rights and duties, ensures Michel. And if our agreement with Celine were to be upset, we would do like any unmarried couple who separates: we would go see a judge. For now, if Michel's family is aware of this co-parenting project and understands his choice, "Celine's parents think we are a real couple, they are more traditional."

The interest of the priority child over that of the parents

How do future coparents plan to organize after birth? "Our priority is the well-being of our baby. Many people critical of co-parenting call us selfishness. But all that is planned is decided in the interest of our child, insists Michel. Céline reconverted professionally to be more available and I sold my apartment to live near her home. At first, the baby will stay with his mother, I will spend a lot of time at home to enjoy our son. When he is older, alternate care will be provided: one week at one, one week at the other. And we will spend time together, all three, for Christmas, birthdays, weekends and holidays. For us, it's better than the PMA, since our child will have two parents for him. I am sure that co-parenting will develop, he predicts. And as far as we are concerned, we are already thinking about having a second child. "

In all cases, under the law, only the interest of the child. Thus, if a single woman finds her parent, both are also exposed to risks. "My lawyer told me that I could not renounce the parent to parental authority," says Anissa. In practice, "the woman can not establish an arrangement to exclude the parent, she is exposed to a recognition of paternity to which it has no right to oppose, confirms Anne-Marie Leroyer. Conversely, a man who would consent to be only the parent – without any other active and material role in the life of the child – is exposed to legal action in recognition of paternity. And that, men who are willing to donate their sperm in this setting do not often know it. So, adds Valérie Depadt, "a man who has consented to ensure that a" role "of parent can, if the mother seizes a judge, be forced to pay retroactive alimony.

* Names have been changed

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