A millisecond that defines the relational space
Merit explains that when we talk about our potential, the best version of ourselves, it is a state in which both hemispheres of the brain, and especially the frontal lobe, our intelligent thinking part, receive blood and therefore oxygen and nutrients.
This is the time when we are particularly creative, intelligent, empathetic and pleasant.
He adds that there are times when a thought or experience causes so much stress that it completely paralyzes our brain. In a millisecond you can go from a comfortable, relaxed state to a one hundred percent defensive state. Blood nourishes only our instinctive and primitive brain, which has no connection with intelligence.
And it’s not the best version of us. But unfortunately it happens.
It happens in your relationship with your children and it happens in your relationship with your spouse. It also happens just in traffic, at work or at the supermarket. This also happens when you are alone, reading a newscast or email, hearing footsteps in a dark forest, or simply receiving a bill.
Credit says that at that moment adrenaline, the stress hormone, stimulates breathing faster and the heart begins to beat to pump blood to the limbs – to escape. Our palms become moist from the added adrenaline and we physically bend over to save our skin. The brain redirects its blood supply to the instinctive brainstem. Intelligent thinking is not instinctively important to us, because nothing else has helped save life in the wilderness for hundreds of thousands of years.
The body is ready to fight, flee or freeze
In the human world, fighting means criticizing, blaming, raising one’s voice, even physical aggression.
He describes how freezing can be filled with silence: like a lizard playing dead, hoping the danger will pass soon. Maybe the “attacker” doesn’t notice me at all? In Hangu, people don’t answer questions asked of them (I’m not here!) or they say “I don’t know”, even if they actually know, or they don’t really have access to this knowledge, they don’t know. I don’t want to look, hear, decide.
And escape is still the most diverse way of human behavior in a stressful situation. Escaping to the internet or in front of the TV or to exercise or work is perfect for this. This means changing the subject, avoiding the person, eye contact, or situation, and joking.
Merit recognizes that creative thinking and empathy are obviously zero in such a state. I can’t have an intelligent conversation. Good solutions are nowhere to be seen. Nobody is ready to compromise.
He explains that this brainstem activation is called the lizard brain or reptilian brain state. It can therefore be said that in a stressful situation two adults do not meet, but as if two lizards activated by some thought, saying or situation or simply under pressure, for example in a hurry or even as parents of small children. A little sleepy. Or, if someone has chronic pain or money worries, any stressful situation escalates much more quickly and with amplification.
The merit speaks figuratively, that then you are like two lizards who hide, run away or attack, or two children who communicate based on their pain, do not want their toy, but do not give it away, and certainly do not invite them to a party of birthday.
A characteristic of things experienced and expressed in the lizard state is that they are overly amplified and destroy relational space.
Merit describes that in this state you think-say-do things that you really don’t want to do. When all the smarter parts of the brain are activated again and can look at things with a sober eye, regret, shame or sadness arises. Because what they expressed themselves in was a state, not an objective state. To analyze the objective situation, measure nine times and cut once, you have to take your time calmly, you don’t do it headlong or headlong.
It is very important to understand how to get out of there. And it is even more important to know how to quickly supply more oxygen to other parts of the brain, that is, to regain balance from a disordered state of the nervous system.
What are the effective and conscious mechanisms for dealing with such a situation, one or the other or together?
The time lost to be in contact with each other or to exist in peaceful harmony is the most painful expense
Merit confirms that a situation in which people continue to hold grudges or everyone licks their wounds alone destroys relational space, trust and future possibilities. So it is important that this time is as short as possible. To quickly return to love, care, harmony.
Protect the relational space from explosive energy. We all just want understanding and care and for the pain or fear to go away.
2023-12-22 13:05:36
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